Pikehand of the year Nominations 1996

Neil ---- Pillock Piking

In the university summer recess of 1995 Neil, with help from Ness, obtained work with Thames Water Company. He had pre-arranged, at Carlisle, to do some scenery shifting during the summer immediately following the Pikehand party. He would get a handsome reward that would more than cover the travel costs and leave him well in pocket. It was a, "Nice little earner", always provided that he caught the overnight coach from Victoria.

The coach company had on offer reduced fares for pre-bookings. However Neil thought that he could still make a deal if he delayed. How wrong! "Sorry mate the coach is fully booked", said the booking clerk when Neil tried it on. So he bought a rail ticket at twice the price. "Still I'll stand to make a worthwhile profit even so", he thought hiding his annoyance. He had to leave the party early to ensure that he arrived in Carlisle on Sunday in time to start work for pay. He and Ness missed all the entertainments and general merriment. The train however did not go directly to Carlisle but made up with a connection from Newcastle. Too late the intrepid traveller discovered that the connection left Newcastle at 7.00 a.m. on Sunday morning.

Faced with the daunting prospect of a night in the waiting room at Newcastle station, with luggage in hand he sought a room at a nearby hotel. Following some haggling he managed to secure a deal for bed and breakfast but at a figure considerably greater than the original coach fare he had so disdainfully delayed in booking. Fearing that he might miss his early morning connection he booked an alarm call which meant that he had to forego the breakfast he had just been haggling over. Breakfastless he breathlessly approached the railway station to find it locked and barred to him. Cold, hungry and fed up he kicked his heels for an hour. All the while anxiety gnawed at him as he imagined his train arriving inside while he was locked outside with no prospect of getting on. At 8.00 a.m. the station master arrived and opened up. With dignity he calmly mounted the steps to the platform four to the stride. With a glance in each direction he determined that there was no sign of his train.

After an interminable time, realising that he would not get his mornings pay and that now all the profit had evaporated, he consulted the timetable. Weekday train connections to Carlisle left at 7.00 a.m. but Sunday connections departed at 10.00 a.m. "O forethought why have you forsaken me", he silently screamed. "Perhaps I will not get the afternoon pay either".

With one and a half hours to spare the need for food rushed to the fore but spare cash was decidedly short. He determined to seek the breakfast he gave up earlier. Once again he carried his bag to the hotel. "Please sir can I have some breakfast and my room back?" he meekly queried like a Dickens character we all know. The hotelier, with the power of right on his side, was most reluctant to comply. However, drying his eyes after being suitably entertained with the story and doing his Christian service on Sunday, Neil was allowed breakfast and the key to the room he had vacated. He whiled away the time in front of the television. He eventually arrived to find most of the work done so no pay. In the pub the scenery shifting crew were most sympathetic and did not even hint at a smile when Neil explained why he was late. Neil arrived back in London on Tuesday morning having lost on the Carlisle trip and given up Monday's pay from Thames Water. "Nice little learner!"

Subsequently he was very pleased to discover that if he had stayed at the Pikehand Party, enjoyed the company and the beer, joined in the songs, had a good night's sleep and caught the early Sunday morning train direct from London he would have arrived at Carlisle in time and made money on the deal.

Neil ---- Lubricash Piking

Neil had agreed to work over the 1995 Christmas period at the theatre in Carlisle to boost his meagre grant He had also arranged with Ness to go to Ireland for the new year at her mother's house.

He decided to buy a return air ticket "A single ticket will be £10 cheaper," Ness advised." But I do have to get back to college after the break," Neil replied. "My sister Bev. will be driving back so we can all return with her," Ness explained. Is the brain in Pikehand mode? Of course it is. Not bothering to check further our boy buys a single air ticket. He later stated, "I shall be pissed off if I have to return by train."

Just before the Christmas break Ness told Neil that Bev. had decided to travel by train after all. "Not to worry," said Neil," I'll change my single flight for a return." "Fully booked," said the flight booking clerk. Neil felt the sterling melting. "You can't be!" he exclaimed. "It is the festive season," retorted the clerk.

Now the great train story. Logically you'd think that the cost of a single journey would be cheaper than the cost of a return. But then there is Railtrack. "Return from Ireland in the new year," Neil responded to the enquiries of the rail booking clerk. "One hundred and seventy Pounds sir," said the clerk. "I only want to travel on it not to buy the stock," he thought and then thought again, "My Christmas, 'Nice little earner,' is slipping away." His thoughts dwelt longer on hopping the train and stowing away for the return journey rather than part with cash not yet in the pocket. With blood running cold he stammered meekly, "Is there a cheaper way like the milk train or can I travel freight?" "For seventy Pounds you can buy a return from England," The clerk replied. Reluctantly Neil further lubricated his sparse bank roll and handed the money over. It was not slippery to the clerk.