Pikehand of the year Nominations 2003

Communication Piking

Surely all present today would not harm animals although I'm sure you'd chase the neighbour's cat from your garden. You tolerate your cat scratching in your vegetable patch until you reach to remove a weed and place your hand centrally in a hidden pool of cat pooh. However there are humane devices that will keep cats at bay simply by making a noise and spraying them with water. Our nominee falls into this category. He fitted such a device to protect fish in his pond from predators and tested it at a safe distance. Pleased with his efforts he retired in doors. However his peace was short lived. His spouse, unaware, strayed within striking distance and was duly doused. The fury, venom and criticism of the female tongue were unleashed in a sudden storm. He was overwhelmed by the torrent and instant recall of all his misdemeanours over the past thirty years that rattled at him like machine gun fire. He had no time to recoil or apologise until the tirade had passed at which point he found he could have avoided it all by telling her the device was active.

Autocratic Piking

Oganising a gathering for an event such as today is never as smooth as it appears on the day. Obstacles like where and when to meet, who to invite, how much food and drink, what if it rains and entertainment are just a few considerations for an organiser. So, give guests a choice. The utter futility of organiser decision-making based upon ultimate democratic freedom is well proven. The world's leading exponent, who is here today, can confirm this. So, why not make an autrocratic decision and let the guests conform. Our second nominee meets this category. He decided when the event should be. However there is a middle way between democracy and autocracy. Over many years certain dates have become sacrosanct and widely known among guests and should therefore be avoided, but not our nominee. He pressed ahead without heed. With the progress of time much treasured guests began to make excuses and never arrived. Plans were made to accommodate but it made no difference. The even however was still a success.

Providential Piking

Our next nominee, the third, is in the category for trusting in providence. It is providential that he also had another car. He'd only had the thing days and had hardly driven it so it's idiosycrasies were a mystery to him. Trusting in providence he set out on a lengthy journey to meet a colleague with whom he shared responsibility for the wellfare of others. The journey was fine. Following greetings they used the car to get essential welfares supplies. In the car park five miles from the convention providence struck. The car key broke and they were locked out. He could clearly see the spare key. It was hanging on a hook 150 mile away. So they had to transport the essential supplies by taxi. By phone he asked his spouse to send the spare key to him on express delivery. The key arrived and off to car park he went. It was providential that the key fitted.

Instinctive Piking

You always regret not acting on an instinct. You know the sort of thing like, "I don't normally put it here but I'll rember," or, "I won't need it so I'll not take it with me." Nominee number four is in the, "I'll not take it with me," category. She packed up the car with all modern needs for a long journey with two children. The first seventy miles were were uneventful and she arrived at her destination with everything intact. Following lots of hellos, cups of tea and chatter she embarked on the forty-minute journey to visit a hospital patient. The plan was to continue en-route from the hospital on the long journey home. However about the time she set out the patient was unexpectedly being discharged. Several attempts were made to contact her at the first destination and also on her mobile phone to no avail. She paid for parking at the hospital and slowly made the hot extra long trek with the children to the ward. The frustrating trek back to the car seemed even longer. Eventually her callbox call to the first destination arrived and she decided to return there. By now the children were becoming fretful so she had the burden of finding an eating place. So several hours later everyone met. She finally departed for home considerably later than planned. She thought, "My instinct said I should so why did I not bring my mobile?"

Foot Wary Piking

Precaution is the better part of valour so they say. To avoid their boots being stolen military men in foriegn lands stood their bed legs in them before sleeping. I didn't stop scorpions, spiders or snakes taking up residence over night or drunken colleagues using them as urinals. The prudent soldier, prior to donning his boots always up ended them and gave them a good shake. There is some similarity with our fifth nominee. He kept his garden boots locked in his garage. He slipped on temporay footwear and made for the garage. He shook each boot vigorously before putting it on to do his chores. Some time later back in the garage he took off his boots and slipped on his temporary shoes without shaking them. Suddenly he felt an excruciating pain in his toe. Quickly removing the offending shoe he saw a large wasp continuing its angry attack on his toe. In fury he raised his other foot and stamped on the wasp killing it instanly. Unfortunately the injured toe was also in the path of the crushing blow.

Nick.C ---- Parapit Piking

Keeping your head below the parapet avoids embarrassement. We all do it. If something you don't understand is said in conversation, you smile as if you do. You make a foolish mistake but do not reveal it. You pretend to understand jargon. You bluff boldly with with a worldly-wise air. The final nominee falls within this category. He kept hidden, even though it should be good, that his mathematics was poor and his comprehension of metrication was Neolithic. He quietly purchased an electronic conversion device to avoid revealing his deficiency. He was pleased to be the owner of a new car. It was comfortable and he felt special in it. He decided to check the car's fuel efficiency against the specification. He had a comprehension of miles per gallon but none regarding kilometres per litre. The conversion device returned alarming results, even on re-checking. Emerging from comfort behind the parapet he went into revealing attack mode. Turning the first sod in his pit, he wrote to the car manufacturer complaining that the new car performed well below their specification. Compensation loomed high in his reckoning. His road test differed from those of the garage. Continuing to dig his pit, his many letters became ever stronger, entrenched and to ever higher authority including the company president. With each letter he envisaged even greater compensation. He'd be rich for the remainder of his life. Finally he gave them an ultimation. In a moment of self, doubt struggling from his now very deep pit, he asked a friend how many litres there were in a gallon. He was adament that the friend was wrong revealing his secret converter as proof. His friend declared that it converted in US gallons that are smaller than Imperial gallons. Wealthy compensation vanished. He quickly took familiar residence behind the ramparts and meekly wrote to the president that he had decided to drop the matter.