Procrocrastinating Prevarication

A Tale by ----- Bob

It was 1965 early in the year. Yet another annual weekend away for the clan! They'd all received their invitation with the date, the venue address, post code and advice like, "You'll not have to drive," was welcome for some. So, "Get drunk if you feel like it." As usual pre-tasks had been assigned. Unknown to them assignments were all the same and innovation was expected. Points or possibly mega-points were on offer and highly prized. BUT-----!!

This year was different! Assignment materials were unusual. Well each clan member had to bring an eight metres single length aluminium ladder for a start, an object much larger than ever before. Additionally a short plank about fifteen centimetres wide and slightly longer than the width of their ladder was required. Other requirements included a baby blanket, a fifteen centimeter diameter flower pot, a fertile uncooked egg from any species and a flexible hot water bottle. Their enquiring minds began to boggle. How could they hide from their colleagues what they were preparing? How would they get things to the venue in secret particularly if they were sharing cars? Worse if travelling on public trandsport! What devilish activity were they to be involved in? After all they, like boy scouts, are prepared for anything. And, how could they phrase their verbal or written support for the venture? Extra innovation could amass points aha!

The venue turned out to be an isolated modernised comfortable ancient stone built house having separate rooms for each person. Smoke drifted from its chimney into the cool calm air. A track through the forest lead down to it from the road some way up the valley. To the left of the track a dry stone wall sporting a wide gateway and plenty of parking space surrounded the house. To the right opposite another gate accessed a large paddock. Within, a carpet of manicured lawn sloped down to a huge slate pitched roofed stone barn facing the lawn looking up to the house. Beyond the enclosure a copse sloped gently down to a stream which cascaded down the valley. Further away the valley sloped upward from the stream to rocky outcrops along the ridge. As the view grew in the mind's eye an observer became aware that something very small and white looked at them from the middle of the barn wall. It invited the curious towards it. Up close it bore the words, Ladders should stand individually spaced leaning against the barn eaves! Viewed from the barn an open solid oak door beckoned a welcome into the house. Inside, the house was fully furnished and warm. No one was there to greet visitors. In quiet moments visitor gradually became aware of the absence of country sounds. No bird song could be heard. Apart from gentle leaf flutter there was no other movement outside. Unnervingly in the valley vista there was an absence of animals of any sort.

However as the men arrived in dribs and drabs the sound of their presences began to echo a little. Rarely had there been a full complement of comrades at these weekends. This was no exception. As new arrivals converged it became apparent that only the older generation clan members would make up the total number of attendees. Each had either discovered for himself or been told about the ladder park. Then it began.
"We are here ahead of the organises once again!"
"Well let's get ourselves organised and unpacked!"
"They must have gone out as there's plenty of beer," came a hail from inside.
"Who needs organisers anyway?" they chorused.
Then Bink said, "There's a note here by the barrels of beer. You read it Nit, I'm too busy filling my tankard."
Nit took the note, as he considered it more important than beer and whilst the remainder filled their jars, absorbed the contents. To the sound of quaffing he shouted, "They're pulling a fast one gents! The note says there are no organisers!"
"Are we going to believe that then?" scoffed Ant.
"Who opened up this place? Who lit the fire, Got in the wood, Provided the beer?" Dud queried,
"Is that all the note says?
"No!" Nit replied knowingly. "It says there's plenty of food. Also the fridge and freezer are full so --- ENJOY!"
"Let me see?" was the doubting response from Rik who taking the note from Nit read it then turned it over. "There's a backside here and more written on it." Rik read the rest of the note aloud to all. Your second task this evening is to prepare a hearty meal for all eight of you.
"If the organisers are not here how could they know how many would turn up?" interrupted Pud.
Rik, frowning continued, Wash and clear away crockery and cutlery and enjoy the casks of real local ale. Discuss the properties you have brought with you and how you expect to use them. Around bed time your third task is to explore the cellar BUT-----!! Before any of this carry out your first task NOW----!!! Wrap your egg in the baby blanket, fit both carefully into your flower pot and stand it on your warmed up hot water bottle. Your first and primary task is to HATCH your egg and ensure survival of the hatchling into maturity. Oh! Just so you know! This is an unusual weekend! There really are no organisers!

Even though suspicious that two of the clan were secret organisers the note was dropped. Hastily each recovered his egg, blanket, flower pot and hot water bottle then back re-assembling in the kitchen. Within their limited knowledge of incubation each was aware that an egg had to be kept warm if it were to hatch. One or two of them felt their potential points were slipping away. Boad was already boiling a kettle keen on increasing his points with innovative action. Others were trying to ensure their egg remained warm in the meanwhile. Boad was wrapping his drake's egg as he felt he had priority for hot water in his hot water bottle. Bink was considering if his flower pot was large enought for his Cob's egg and so was Nit with his Gander's egg. By now Pud had wrapped his Tom, filled his hot water bottle and settled everything into his flower pot. Wrapping his Umegouli was proving a bit of a problem for Gem as everyone else was laughing at his plight. The Tiercel wrapped by Rik was a work of art and fitted perfectly into his flower pot although he had forgotten the hot water. Ant and Dud were the final pair arguing about ownership of their eggs as they looked rather similar and neither had marked theirs. Eventually the need to complete the task took precedence and settling their differences both Rooster and Peacock eggs were wrapped up warm in separate flower pots.

The make shift incubators were placed on a surface close to the range for added warmth. However blankets and pots together created confusion as to who was responsible for which. Just a couple were certain. So --- Pud and Rik set about preparing dinner. Argument and denial proceeded with the rest of them. Six wrapped eggs, pots and water bottles looked very similar. Accusations still flew between Dud and Ant because they had still not marked their egg assembly and of course neither had the others. The air was somewhat blue with claims and counter claims that others had interfered or provided unnecesssary help. Quibble, hedge, fudge, defer, dawdle and delay bandying around took over coupled with continual blame, reproach and censure in the mix. This exchange continued until Pud announced that dinner was ready about two hours later. With food, wine and beer suddenly in their mind's forefront the six placed their respective mark against an incubator even though it may not have originally been theirs. A good dinner was had by all and the banter was quiet, joking and friendly. There was lots of cooperation with clearing the table, washing up and stowing away the crockery and cutlery.

With more logs on the fire, beer, wine or stronger aplenty the remainder of task number two proceeded despite the grand overlap of task number one. It was then that they cast their minds to the properties they'd brought with them. Pud was the only member of the clan having two ladders. He accused the others of shopping early at his local shop giving rise to much discent and amusement. His claim was the shop keeper had only a six and two metre ladders remaining in stock. Short of time he'd decided to buy one of each as added together they made eight metres. It was a lame excuse as he lived at least fifty kilometres from any of the others. So, once more with claim and counter claim and a large amount of inventive lying another, two hours passed quickly. So did a lot of the alcohol from various containers. They still had no idea what was expected from them. Quietly Dud reminded them that task number three was due.

Finding the cellar was a little more difficult as drink fogged thinking and reaction had parted company. With their usual thought clarity Gem and Nit began their search upstairs. It was now quite dark outside and no one had a torch. Never the less the other six, with trepidation but hiding their fear of the dark from the others, decided to start searching in the open. Ant, who thought he had taken charge of the party, decided they should split up. As one man they accused him of being a secret organiser. Lots of denial and support followed as some were thinking ahead to potential points. Some while later each man had made his own decision which way he was going. Obviously Ant was not an organiser as he would have been obeyed without argument. Rik alone bravely headed for the barn whilst the rest had independently decided, there was safety in numbers, agreed to walk together around the house. They arrived back at their starting point having forgotten why they were outside. They jostled inside as Gem and Nit descended the stairs. Wandering from room to corridor to room to room eventually at the back of the chimney brest a very narrow door was discovered by Bink. Having no prospect of entering such a narrow opening himself he pulled the door. In fact a whole panel swung out revealing a full size doorway. It was very dark and eerie beyond, which prevented anyone from entering willingly. Problematically there was no evidence of a light swith. Common practice kicked in. Each man whilst upholding his bold masculinity found very good arguments why he should not be first to enter. It was fortunate that no one had thought to extend the fracas by raising the topic of, "Why had the cellar door been so cunningly disguised?" Each man was looking for someone else to volunteer but to no avail. Dud remembered seeing an oil lamp and went off to get it. Meanwhile they continued to debate the suitability of others to lead the way whilst maintaining that they were unafraid. Each had special responsibilies that precluded him. As Dud had not been involved in the discussion their ploy was to delay until he came back. He would be the only one with a light so he could hardly refuse to lead. However he declined as he feigned a gammy leg. Askance they looked at the doorway, then at each other and to a man at Boad. Well he was the smallest of them. He didn't exactly volunteer but Dud rapidly passed the lamp to him. He had to take it as to drop it would have caused a fire. With verbal and prodding encouragement from the others, holding the lamp aloft and supporting himself with his other hand on the door jam, with anxiety he warily dipped a toe over the threshold.

He felt relieved as he gently let the forward foot take his weight and felt the response from the solid landing. Dimly light from the lamp revealed a curving and descending stairway. Boad carefully tested each step on his slow downward journey. In the light behind his shadow the others were brazen, noisy and bold following him with self confidence. In the spacious cellar lamp light was sparce. The clan were abruptly quiet furtively glancing about each desiring to be close to the stairway. The cellar was empty! The crew were dumbfounded. Upon inspection the cellar was roughly rectangular in shape having what looked like mud walls. The air was musty and dry. In one wall there was a gothic wooden door set in a gothic shaped stone work surround. A small grill in the door at eye level revealed only darkness within. Pud bravely stepped forward and opened it ensuring he was well hidden behind it. A large bright arrow on the door pointed towards the hinges and coincidently into the black void beyond. It was probably fear that muted their inner selves from raising the, "Compass," query. Which direction was the arrow pointing? It definitely directed them into the blackness. After all the one who raised the subject would be alone in confessing he was scared. Everyone hesitated. Then each man began the previous rheteric he'd fully rehearsed before coming down here. So some time passed. Each man had to have his say. It all lead to the same conclusion. Well, Boad still held the lantern. Fearful and reluctant he cautiuosly approached the doorway. A stone lined gothic shaped tunnel stretched away until lamp rays were swallowed in blackness. It appeared the be straight within range of lamp light. The floor was firm and covered with a layer of sand like material and dust. Boad, leading the throng was able walk upright to the faint hiss of his feet on the sandy floor. Taller men had to bend. It is difficult to appear brave and bold with the rythmic hiss from your feet when you are bent over even when following the forward decoy. As they proceeded further away from their entry their flight awareness was enhanced. All of them were silent, alertly listening for the tiniest hint of danger. Only one thing was absolutely certain about this clan's progress. Should a need to flee in either direction really arise Boad would still be leading.

Rik reached the barn. It looked very foreboding in the darkness. He became acutely aware that he was alone and wished he had the company of his comrades. Skirting around he found the barn door in the gable end. It opened easily but inside it was as dark as pitch. Feeling his way around the walls he stumbled over an object. Gaining his feet he continued and tripped over another. Carefully feeling his way he finally realised he was back at the door where he'd entered. Points flashed in his mind. What a coup if he alone could bring a revelation to the clan. In total darkness acutely aware of his isolation he began to quarter search the floor. Being an elder clan member his thought functions were very similar to each of the others "Which is the way out?" It never crossed his mind that to successfully quarter search, reference points and direction indicators were required. Several times he found himself outside. Hands and knees suggested his mind and nothing disturbing had occurred had it? So with four floor contacts he felt more secure. After some time meandering over the dusty floor his hand caught the edge of something. Reaching blindly around he eventually found an iron ring fixed to the floor. His alcohol befuddled brain delivered a spark of good sense. Surely there was more. With the ring between his knees as an anchor point he reached around to discover that the ring was attached, near the edge, of something remarkably similar to a trap door. Mind still in gear and the stream nearby he thought, "Careful Rik! You are not a good swimmer and once submerged could you get out?" There could be slimy monsters down there! Perhaps I'll leave it 'til tomorrow in the light and with company? Points loomed and spurred him on. Positioning himself safely he pulled upward on the ring but the trap was fast. Realising he needed to get a better purchase he re-positioned himself and tried again. Suddenly the trap flew opened with a rush of light flooding from below. In that instant his bottom and under wear parted company. He scramble back desparately evacuating into them. Boad's hand appeared holding the lantern followed by Boad. In recognition he shouted, "Rik! What are you doing here?"

With the trap door fully open and the clan hearing that Rik was the worst thing up there they exited like miners from a collapsing mine. Rik reflected inwardly his relief to be re-united with comrades but bereft of points and requiring fresh under garments. There was lots of congratulating themselves on facing dangerous risks boldly in their victorious adventures. Additionally, holder of the lamp became important. They all wanted to hold it now. Much repost ensued relating how each was unafraid and had begged to be leader from the very beginning.

Having closed the trap door Bink was now lamp monitor. It illuminated a note, not previously observed, pinned to the inside of the barn door. Rik felt robbed. After all he had rightful posession being first in the barn but Ant had the note now. It read, Though it is past midnight, well done! Rescue the package stowed on one of the horizontal strengthening braces of the barn. DO NOT OPEN!! Attend to your eggs!! Unsurprisingly Bink found the package and felt proud as there was only one lamp and he had it. Happily he passed it to Nit who had felt neglected but boldly lead the procession up the paddock to the house. Bink retained the package safe in his keeping.

Once more, in the comfort of the house, Bink closed the cellar door forgetting that the gothic door remained open and released the package for inspection. It was neatly wrapped in brown paper with writing on the front. Secure your eggs for the night!! Do not open this until after breakfast!! Sleep well. Sleep safe. As one they inspected their eggs. Each hot water bottle was now quite cool. Rapidly the kettle was boiling and soon all the bottles were warming their precious perchers. "Those bottles cooled down a bit quick!" reflected Gem. Fearing that each would have to rise several times during the night they espoused plans to keep the eggs warm whilst they slept. No one was prepared to standby all night to look after the eggs of others. Even though all looking at Boad together they're ruse failed. Suggestions to take their incubator to bed with them was frought with dangerous roll over and crushing potential. Many pros and cons were presented. Finally the consensus was to place them on the range surround as that was warm to the touch all the time. Bed beckoned the weary men.

After breakfast the package was opened. It contained a list of instructions for the fourth task of the weekend. You are all going to Mars to hatch your eggs! it proclaimed. The barn contains two sacks of powdered fuel, a coil of bare copper wire and an accumulator. You should fill both legs of your ladders with the powder and seal the bottom with adhesive tape, found in the needle box in the lounge. Fix your plank to the ladder top. Run a length of copper wire along the ground where the ladders will stand and ensure it will reach up to the top of one ladder (the control). Connect the other end of the wire to one accumulator terminal. Connect another length of wire from the top of the selected ladder down and connect to the other accumulator terminal. Ensure the wires do not touch. Lean the ladders against the barn with both their feet on the first length of wire. Retrieve your incubator and contents, climb your ladder and secure it on top of the plank. One of you will be the controller. Remain at the top of your respective ladder. The controller will then climb his ladder and confirm that each man is ready. He will touch the two wire ends. Hang on tightly!!

With all that had gone before imagine the problems each man could find with a set of instructions like that. There was not a man between them that was anything more than a novice engineer. They struggled for hours with each instruction until they felt that their understandings had common ground. Then they elected a controller. One they could all entrust to execute the final instructions. Execute being the key word. Finally they were sure and sacrificed Nit. He was shocked at the honour but not as much as he would be! Oh! How forethought and subterfuge can entice the unsuspecting?

No sooner than each man had started to prepare his ladder when Pud said, "Even my six metre ladder does not reach the eaves of the barn!" Everyone stopped in their tracks. How could they help? Ant and Gem together exclaimed, "It's obvious! All he needs to do is to fix his two metre ladder on top." interrupted Dud, not an unusual occurrence in the clan. "We'll have to remove the foot and top caps to butt the ends together," Rik pointed out. Boad advised that added reinforcing would be required because the assembly would collapse under Pud's weight. "No!" Bink retorted. "We can slide offset legs to the first rung on each and bind them together."
"Don't be stupid!" blustered Nit. "How will he get a full length of fuel like that? He won't even get into orbit."
"I know it is not normal to agree with Nit chaps," added Pud, "but I think he is right and it's me that will be riding the thing" That response settled the matter. "What shall we use as reinforcing?" Rik asked. They skattered to search for suitable materials. A whole raft of useless stuff was collect with Pud being the deciding voice as to its use. Ant however returned from the kitchen armed with a knife sharpening iron and a poker from the fire. Pud confirmed his satisfaction so work began on his extension. Quite a lot of the tape from the needle box was used to secure the two ladders together. Pud climbed to the top and bounced but everything was secure. Whilst amendments were under way Gem checked that the range surface was still warming the incubators and told the others all was OK.

Upon filling their ladder legs with powdered fuel it was found that Pud's ladder could not be filled from the foot end due to the butt jointing. However it could be filled from the top once the caps were removed. This meant that the plastic feet had to remain. "So we can't launch him at the same time as us?" questioned Gem. "Well we could utilise the clockwork kitchen timer as its ringer works from a battery pulse," said Bink. The clan once more launched into the pros and cons of how that could work. The timer was gathered from the kitchen and examined. Fortunately there were some terminals exposed. Boad suggested that each plastic foot be removed from the ladder, pierced with a darning needle and length of wire threaded through before replacing them. Each end of the wire should be connected to the timer terminals. Further discussion ensued and it was decided it would work.

Time was marching on. It dawned on the clan that it was unlikely they would be ready for launch in daylight today. After much further discussion they collectively agreed to postpone launch until the following morning straight after breakfast. They'd get everything done and ready today.

All ladders looked resplendent in the morning sun as the gang, each with his incubator walked over the paddock towards them. Nit was feeling cockahoop finally believing that the others trusted him at last and totally unaware of the risks. They had all, individually, thought touching two electric cables together could be a bit painful. Only voice the fear after the particular event is good cautious advice. "Off in ten minutes lads," Nit called. He then bent down and synchronised the timer to fire Pud's ladder. Each carefully climbed to the top of his ladder and commenced to secure his incubator to his plank platform. They waited perched atop as instructed expecting Nit to begin his confirmation calls. Suddenly there was a ring from below and Pud's ladder began to lift off with a roar. It accelerated higher into the air amid a fog of smoke and rapidly declined to a speck in the sky above and disappeared from view. The entire process was over in a matter of seconds. They hastily descended their ladders in a state of general confusion.

Nit cried, "That should not have happened for about another five minutes. I sychronised it to start with us!"
"There is probably something wrong with the kitchen timer," Ant put in. Rik picked up the timer from the smoldering remains of two plastic ladder feet. "IT is set to zero now," he said. "Let me have a look?" demanded Gem reaching for the timer. He reset an approximate minute. It ticked away confidently. He handed the thing to Bink and the others gathered around looking over his shoulder. It gave a short ring and stopped. "It is OK then," remarked Dud. "So why did it go off so quickly?"
"let's sychronise our watches then Nit can reset it so we can all check if it calibrates with us," Boad suggested. So they all set their watches to the time displayed by Nit's watch. Nit confidently reset the timer and they all stood around chatting occasionally glancing at their time pieces. It's surprising how slowly time passes when waiting like this. Once again it rang. All glanced at their watches and only five minutes had elapsed. "It's must be bust then!" exclaimed Bink. "Hang on! Hang On!" Ant interjected. "We've seen it count down five minutes. Could it have been accidentally knocked when we climbed up or even set wrongly?" Dud, bringing some sense into play remarked,"Well that puts three culprits in the frame. You! indicating Ant were immediately on Pud's left, Bink was on his right and Nit set the thing."

That resulted in twenty minutes of exasperation, accusation, defence, denial and general blame and finger pointing and trying to involve others who were not named. So normal then! The hubbub was halted by Gem suggesting a rerun of the timer test with all looking over Nit's shoulder. That was agreed. Nit, not so confidently, took the timer and set it with the others looking on who in unison shouted, "That is only five minutes!!"
"No! It's ten minutes. See! It's marked out in ten minute intervals and I've set it to ONE!!" Nit returned defensively. The others walked around in circles gesticulating and muttering in incredulity. Rik put and arm around Nit's shoulders and walk calmly with him a short way from the collective abusive noise of the others. "You see. They're Roman numerals. One is one twelveth of an hour or five minutes. So one and one is ten minutes and so on," Damping down Nit's anger. Back in the clan, to hide his embarrassment and assert some personal pride he said loudly, "Well that wasted and hour or two!! Back up your ladders and as soon as we're all ready I'm firing up!" With sudden urgency they all assended their ladders for muster at the top. Nit harangued, "Ant are you ready?" "Yes." and then getting the same response he called in turn to Boad, Bink, Dud, Gem and Rik. "Hang on we're about to go," he advised. He reached for one wire and firmly touched it to the other. "Oh Sh---!" Were the last words ever heard from any of the clan as their ladders rose, as one, with smokey roars into the morning sun rapidly diminishing to dots in the sky then disappear in the wake of Pud.

All that remained was scorched grass, some wire and a kitchen timer. In the barn the other sack of powdered fuel lay slumped and unconcerned. Perhaps they all landed safely on Mars. Possibly they survived to create an entirely new life form for themselves and their hatchling partners BUT---!! That sets the scene for even more PROCRASTINATING PREVARICATION.

PIKEHANDS!! All of them!!