Pikehand of the year Nominations 2016
Jeff --- Here Not There Piking
Pikehands live their daily lives, year long, doing or being involved in all manner of mindless things. Their partners have seen it all before and ignore them; mostly. But occasionally a Pike accepts chairmanship of the group for a year as did this nominee. Remarkably the role suddenly swapped his usual laxness and irresponsibility for astute awareness. He’d for ever be proud to award the trophy. His approving partner wondered at the welcome change.
At this point, “honoured chairman,” missed its mark. With good intent the nominee received the additional communicative burden of office and executed his duties diligently. An email, circulated to the family, invited him and his family to a future event. Flattered, he excitedly informed his family who responded with equal excitement at the joy of meeting many friends and family at a birthday party. By return he accepted the invitation. With the vigour of office he immediately entered location, time and birthday date (24th) into his diary. Self-assured that the job was done, he settled into his routine. A short time later another circulated email informed him of a change of venue. He simply altered the venue in his diary. Then responsible mode kicked in. He checked the location with internet maps, pre-set his satnav, booked a family room in a nearby hotel and informed his family.
Sometime later he was enjoying a sunny Saturday afternoon outdoors at home when he answered the telephone. A concerned voice said, “Hello Jeff! What’s the trouble?” Jeff calmly responded that everything was OK and he would meet the caller the following day. To which the caller exclaimed, “My birthday is tomorrow, party today. You should be, here not there!” How could Jeff compensate his family’s disappointment? Now you need to understand that Jeff is a stickler for authority vested in him. This is by no means the first of his bloomers.
He, for want of a better word, marshals at a renowned rugby club. As authorised doorman at a celebration dinner in 2015 he refused Zara Phillips entry because she possessed no pass. She informed him it was with her husband Mike inside. She was out, “here not there!” Jeff still refused her entry until a flustered senior club official rushed over and ushered her in.
Will Jeff have the courage to discuss nominations with Miranda?
Bob --- Leap! Then Look Piking.
The long standing and never accessed Pikehand Archive held by Ray was temporarily transported to Bob and Vera’s house so that some of it could be digitised in anticipation of inclusion on the website. There were four lever arch files jammed full and a suitcase of assorted objects. Vera demanded that all was strictly temporary so get cracking Bob. Bob spent an hour scanning through in order to determine the best way forward. He decided that his strategy was to capture as much as possible as pictures from the suitcase and scans for most of the rest and return to Ray. Then at leisure he could plan how to make it web ready. The suitcase was the obvious first choice. One object was of particular interest as it sparked his imagination back to the inaugural Pikehand Weekend at Bury. It was the toilet roll used by Ray to write his first Pikes speech whilst travelling on the train. After some while photographing bob sat and pondered scanning of the loose photos when he decided that the contents of the toilet roll could well be very amusing. Carefully he began to unroll the fragile document. It was not one length but several pieces and some seemed to be missing. With great care he deciphered the scrawl and typed it into the word processor. His labour was long and tiring. Then he tried to make sense of the digital document. That took much musing and trying to piece together the texts. Eventually he decided on the format. A few days later he spoke with Ray about the ordeal. Ray informed him that in one of the files there was a complete typed transcript so all the work could have been avoided.
Sam –-- Valorous Piking
A definition of a Pikehand is ‘a man who chooses to think, say or do things that are outrageous, nonsensical or incredibly risky’ and one Pikehand is the embodiment of this definition. Here are just a few examples of his calamities amongst the many that could be cited.
At a young age this man lost his first tankard within an hour; a Pikehand dishonour. On a trip into the wilderness his plan was to live off the land for 3 months, yet he carried dozens of cans in his rucksack as food back-up and, with an empty rucksack, returned in 3 weeks. He risked his own and his best friend’s lives leading in the mountains in a blizzard. He climbed with a friend on an avalanche prone snowfield. He fell off a climbing wall relying on an untrained novice to hold his safety line. He traversed a glacier with a first time climber. On several occasions he made expensive disastrous rail travel choices. Trying to catch a high flying Frisbee, he fell backwards over a wall resulting in damage to his ribs and multiple bruises. He was rescued by staff after damaging his ankle just walking down steps in the terrain between Go-Ape rides.
A man with such a record, with three school aged children and living 160 miles away is not the most likely relationship choice for an ordinary woman. But this nominee is no ordinary woman. Not for her the white knuckle rides of passengers in his car. Instead she took on a large proportion of the driving. Possibly the fact that he can cook is an attribute she admires, but she must grimace at the mess he makes of the cooker, pans, bins and surfaces. Undaunted she spends a fortune on cleaning materials and uses them for hours renovating the kitchen after every meal he cooks. It is remarkable that she permitted this Pike to take her elder son rock climbing without turning a hair. Fearless of his planning inability she goes on holidays that he has organised. She nonchalantly went away and handed the keys of her house to him for the wrecking activities of Pikehands. At the drop of a hat she speeds between their houses. She resigned her job to help him, taking on a lot of his parental duties.
Stoically in six years, as more of his faults emerged; she has risen to the challenge of each, stayed calm and carried on. And if that is not enough, SHE MARRIED HIM!!
Joe --- Baa Baa Black White Sheep Piking
The annual Pikehand meet up always creates unexpected moments that live in the mind and are recounted at every gathering; is this nomination for the courageous antics of this year’s zip wire pikes? … no .. as remarkable as each one was. Was it the pottery throwers and their unique pots … no.
A nomination requires something to be totally unexpected and heroics on a grand scale.
Catching the air and taking an afternoon stroll is not unusual at a pike meet; it’s a chance to chat, open the lungs and swing those arms. Walking alongside the river is a joy for Bryan, ‘that would make a great spot to fish’, he repeated constantly.
Leading into the river were a series of deep muddy drainage dykes and in the first was a fully coated … sheep! Tangled in the barb wire and apparently dead … that is until this Pike grabbed it by the horns. It submitted to the removal of each barb till in one dead lift this superhero raised it from the mud and the mire.
Whilst all were discussing the ease of the lift, with just a bit of subdued admiration, low and behold there was another sheep, this time waddling around in mud up to the neck.
Now the pikes are very adept at standing back and watching; to them ‘doing the weights’ is pointless, time wasting hard work.
But it took quick reaction and gigantic muscles to catch, grab and heave a fully grown waterlogged sludge stinking ewe up an embankment.
So I nominate Joe “Can’t get a jacket to fit’ Wilkins for
George --- Storage Wars Piking
Parents have many roles and the one that creeps up, then jumps out suddenly is the ‘attic full of kids’ stuff’ parent. In our house we have one attic completely full with Joe’s old army gear, paintball gear, other stuff and various collections of stuff gathered by George as he continues to travel the globe.
Joe’s last but one move led to the deposit of ‘oh Dad I’ve got a desk but no space to put it’ and as leaving after dropping it off, ‘suddenly’ remembering a couple of car tyres in the boot.
The latest episode was George’s clearing out a garage and ‘can I just bring down a few things’, that transpired to be a double bed, large dining room table and a bike.
Joe helped him. It was getting late, it was dark. We all agreed to a sit down with a cup of tea before they headed back to Hull. A teetotal celebration of a job well done.
Both boys disappeared momentarily. Joe returned shaking his head, then George bounced in grinning his perfect son grin.
We shuffled to the back door and there in the porch spot light was … a full size cabinet … an arcade golf pitch and putt game!
We nominate George ‘always pushing the game to the limit’ Wilkins for
Neil --- Inebriated Fajita Piking
A nomination so GOOD that it cannot be presented here. A hard copy is available in the Memory Box. To see his 2016 scroll click Pikehand of the Year