ULEY PRE-TASKS AND SOME PRESENTATIONS

Page Created from the Pikehand Archive

There were two tasks that required preparation before hand as each Pike was to deliver his efforts to all the others at the venue.
The first assignment was to explore the Yellow Page for businesses that fell into a particular category. Each Pike had a different category. You were required to supply a name relating to your category. Two choices each were allocated as followes:- Alan --- Sports Equipment/Adhesives, Neil --- Wine products and Suppliers/Builders, Ray --- Tailors/Car Accessories, Paul --- Escort Agencies/Concrete Products, Bob --- Security Services/Delicatessens, Bryan --- Refrigeration Equipment/Electricians, Graham --- Printers/Greengrocers, Jeff --- Jewelers/Haulage Contractors.
The second assignment was to respond as Agony Aunt (Thingy) to comments cut from news papers. Again indvidual assignments as follows:- Neil --- I want a lover to brighten my dull life, Alan --- Am I too old for him, Bryan --- I know this is only a little problem, Jeff --- I hate my hairy chest, Graham --- They won't accept me, Ray --- I am a young busty trendy nymphomaniac music teacher, Bob --- We've no time for love, Paul --- Who should I choose.
There were other assignments handed out duribg the weekend but there was a light hearted mutiny.

Some First Assignment Responses

Builders:-
Neal. E. Finishedguv, X. Pertease Limited, A. Waiting (Supplies), Bill Derr, Dug Roadup, Hugh Japministrationproblemleadingtocostlydelays.
Tailors:-
Jack Etantrousers, Ken Runyouupone, Al Terations, Si Nglebreasted, Nev Ermindthequality, Phil Thewidth, Fitz Likeaglove, Fitz Whereittouches, Herr Ingbone, Sue Tsyousir, Betty Didn'tgotoburtons, Bert On, Jack Etcoatliningdon'tmatch, Wes Coatliningdon'tmatcheither, Rich Sidedoyoudress, Noel Lapels, Des Pairoftrousers, Phil Thiscrotchthen, Terry Lene, Harry Stweed.
Security Services as (SERVICE)(NAME)(LOCATION):-
(Armoured)(Ni Tsin & Wyatt Satin)(Knightsbridge), (Fortified)(Matlock Stronghold)(Castle Keep), (Locksmith)(Kay Cutting)(The Yeyle), (Safe & Sound)(Ian Truder)(Getti Weigh), (Apprehend)(Patti Kryme)(Pentonville), (Self Protection)(Helmut Oune)(Duck Street), (Body Guard)(Purse Onalserch)(Spread Eagle Ave.), (Keep Watch)(Sir Valence)(Hyde House), (In Depth)(Miss.T.Vault)(Dungeness), (Child Mind)(P.D.O'Faele)(Secret Terrace), (Strong Box)(B. Rakin)(Hammerside), (Hold It)(John Thomas Shakin)(Palmers Green), (Justice)(Del. Inkwen Toffenda)(Gallows Corner), (Stop Thief)(Rob Aerie)(Almost Court).
Greengrocers:-
I Bean for a Pea, Our aim is to Peas, Get your cauliflower Ear, All our melons are 38DD, Parsnip/Cowslip/Rosehip/Nicksnip, All our cucumbers have bean electronically tested.

Some Second Assignment Responses

Dear We've No time For love,
      I read with great sympathy your letter regarding your love life. It's so sad when things drop off. On the whole people without commitments come easily to wedlock. In this atmophere you rush in to the marriage bed. Love reaches a premature climax and disappointment. The carefree flame of youth or holiday is not the mormal way of life. When the flame goes out you shoot down to earth with a bang. But you want to poke the fire again. Before a remedy can be found you must recognise the route cause. To establish this I advise you take pen and paper and carry out the following instructions.
      You're both exhausted but I suspect that work is not the cause. It seem to me that you both suffer with the same unrecognisable illness. This is directly related to sleep at night time. It is simply a case of reversal to reveal the true cause of the tiredness as follows:-
TO DECIPHER ROOT CAUSE OF EXHAUSTION

1. On your paper print in capital letters the two word relationships SLEEP and NIGHT.
2. Immediately below these two words write the numbers 1 to 0 starting under the "S". ie 1,2,3 etc.
3. Now you are ready to decode the cypher.
4. On a fresh line write STAGE A = the five figure number under the word SLEEP but in the reverse order. ie 54321.
5. on a fresh line write STAGE B = then the five figure under the word NIGHT but in reverse order. ie 09876
6. On a fresh line write STAGE C = then subtract STAGE B from STAGE A and write the answer on the same line as STAGE C.
7. On a fresh line write STAGE D = then write the STAGE C answer but in reverse order. ie beginning with 5.
8. Now to include the third relationship. As you recall I believe you are ILL
9. On a fresh line write STAGE E = then the three figure number for the word ILL derived from cypher of the first teo relationship words. ie 722. Reverse the number and write it on the Same line as STAGE E
10. On a fresh line STAGE F = then add together the two answers in STAGE D and STAGE E and write it on the same line as STAGE F.
11. On a fresh line write CAUSE OF EXHAUSTION = then decipher the STAGE F number from the original two relationship words and write the new word on the same line as CAUSE OF EXHAUSTION.

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SO SMALL
Yours,
Thingy

Dear Busty Young Trendy Nymphomaniac Music Teacher,
      Don't I know you? Or was that someone else behind the horn section?
      I note from your letter to Dear Thingy (by the way 'Dear Thingy' is an expression of greeting not of cost - my Thingy comes cheap - and quick) that you have made a long and concerted effort of late to bring back the music of your marriage - especially between March 14^th and 17^th. Good for you! Harmony with your partner is the key. One can hardly imagine a violinist and a percusionist getting it together - except for a bang.
      Unfortunately your timing is out - and if you've not got rhythm what have you got? You should know that beery weekends with little chums (as you call them) are essential to sustain the wind section through the year - and I'm assured your husband is only taking a few bars rest.
      You say that your husband is poking off for the weekend. You have obviously misunderstood - he is in fact Piking off for the weekend. This is far more serious. You must ask youself has he another string to his bow or is he just being plucky?
      We must all play too our strengths and beery weekends would seem to be your husband's forte. Believe me, many of his little chums are well over forte.
      However, to address your main question which was:- When he returns on sunday evening how should greet him?
      Take my advice - @#?%$^£ him!
Yours
Thingy.

Dear They Won't Accept Me,
      I find this letter very distressing and there is a lot of reading between the lines to do. As you're the only one in the garden mowing the lawn has it ever ever dawned on you what all the other neighbours are doing, and where your husband is??? On these large housing estates it is not unusual for some neighbours to become over friendly and form small groups. You actually mentioned that they are in each others houses all the time. I'm sure your husband has seen the inside of all of them. All of this, I'm sure, must leave you feeling very frustrated. This is why you get the Hoover out three time a week. If you were truthful I am sure that it's more often sometimes. The Hoover is, I think, one of the first sex aids ever invented. I remember using one myself during the war when all the men were away. You could walk down the street on a Saturday night when the whirl of Hoovers in people's houses almost blocked out the sound of the sirens. So you ask me what you are doing wrong? Well, I would give the shears to your husband along with the Hoover (after giving the handle as good wipe) and go and make friends with the neighbours.
Yours,
Thingy

Dear I Want a Lover to Brighten my Dull Life, or (Valium of Sidcup),
      You appear to overly concerned about what is a natural and healthy part of every day life. Anal intercourse with a well hung young chargehand is no longer a taboo subject. I am surprised that a woman of you obvious experience feels the need to ask me how to make a man take you more seiously. This has been achieved by all women, of all cultures, in the same way for time immemorial. Just $£%&* 47927 <>?"#@=B^(;t!
      You are not alone in experiencing such painful emotions. It is estimated somewhere in the region of 6,000 women in this country are actually married to Building Society Managers. I wonder if your partner may have sustained damage to his withdrawal and deposit facilities in recent years. Indeed he may feel that a small part of him has been cut away and lost for ever. But don't worry! From my experience in these matters I understand the situation can be reversible. Alternatively he may just be crap in bed so screw the chargehand anyway!!!
Yours,
Thingy

Part of the Organises' Score Sheet

Who	Skittles	Yellow Pages	Dear Thingy	Score	Limericks	Hetty Pegler's Tump	TeamA	TeamB
Bryan	20	8	5	33	Team	Team	Team	Team
Alan	10	16	20	46
Graham	20	5	7	32
Jeff	15	19	7	41
Bob	4	13	9	26
Ray	7	19	11	37
Neil	10	7	8	25
Paul	10	10	6	26

Hetty Pegler's Tump

Link to weekend at Uley