BOG ROLL SCROLL from Pike Archive

Pikehands I Have Known ---- By Ray ---- Bury St Edmunds 1977

Here follows a transcript of the ancient document --- perferated parchment scroll discovered recently behind the cystern in a cubicle number 3 of the Gentlemen's Convenience at Tottenham Court Road Underground Station. It bears the inscription overhead of:- 'Pikehands I Have Known.'

When considering the best approach to this potted lecture I discovered that I had completely forgotten the subject upon which I was to talk. I rummaged in my drawers and soon came up with my brief -- Pikehands I have known --- this is the sort of brief that one could stick to.

All of us, of course, have some idea of the meaning of the word Pikehand but what is the essense of Pikehand in its manifold glories? I decided best to consult ancient authority on this point --- but Nick didn't know. However, as President of the Pikehands he was able to give me the benifit of his long experience --- 'P--- off,' he said.

Heeding his advice I rushed to the reading rooms of the British Museum where, in the toilets, this very manuscript had been discovered. A bloody evil --- sorry, medieval scroll bearing the time-honoured exhortation, "Meet me in the next cubicle!"

I found there a fading itinerant gentleman whose dying breath formed these very words:-

• What is a Pikehand?
• Pikehands come in all shapes and sizes,
• Slim and tall,
• Pert and small,
• No shapes can Pikehands surprise,
• You even get them Bryan size.

• A Pikehand's mother washes in Persil ---
• It's cheaper than Camay.
• A Pikehand is kind to his mother
• Loyal to his brother
• And likes a bit of the other.

• A Pikehand is always there when another brother Pikehand need him.
• He feels for his brother --- with every Piking segment of his soul,
• With his Pike heart,
• His Pike mind,
• And all his other little Pike parts.

• A Pikehand has integrity, honesty, loyalty, good humour,
• Intelligence, courage and fortitude.
• A Pikehand is handsome, a man of Patience, Strong,
• Gentle and loving.
• A Pikehand is a bloody liar!

• When a Pikehand has been about his business the cry is,
• "Now wash your hands please" --- oops sorry! ---
• The cry is, "You are Lobby Lud and I claim my five pounds!
• A Pikehand believes in self-help.
• He will help himself to your beer, your grub and your woman.
• A Pikehand is --------------------

And at that moment, as though a sign from God, there was a deafening crash of thunder in the cubicle and a blinding flash in the pan and gasping for air the old tramp said, "That's better out than in!" and walked away.

Pikehands I have known --- I must begin with Robert Charles Martin,
known to all dogs everywhere as Bob (Keep taking the pills Rover) Martin,
known to his friends as simply Bob,
known to me as simple Bob.
known to the Decimal Currency Board as five New p.,
and known to the police.
What can one say about Bob? I have often seen him at work --- shovel in hand, wearing waders with peg on nose but never has his hair been ruffled, his stockings laddered or his mascara run.

Then there is Graham, opening up our first international branch. I thought at first he was up the pole but now I see that there could be a laxative business (sorry) lucrative business set up if Bob end Graham were to amalgamate. There must be plenty of business on Po-land --- particularly as it is geographically aligned to the jerries.

Then there is Nickel-arse himself, renown for his services to the vice squad as Chief Detective of the Hard Core Porno Brigade and well known in Soho as 'Old Nick the Skin Flick Dick'. Nick --- who once went into a pub and asked for a pint and when the barman said, "Whitbread?" he replied, "Two slices!"

Then there is Alan --- what can one say about Alan? --- except perhaps, "Now wash your hands please!"

And all the others who seek neither publicity nor glory, nor power, nor fame --- whose names once spoken are immediately forgotten. To them, and to Pikehands everwhere I stand erect and raise my glass I'll drink a draft kiss my (one can insert something here).

Time, Gentlemen, is of the essense: I will will keep you no longer. Time is especially important today for only a bloody Pikehand could arrange an annual conference and dinner on a weekend that's an hour shorter than every other weekend in the year. Still let's not lose any sleep over that --------

Further copies of this transcript can be obtained from
Camden City Council:- Department of Public Conveniences
Facilities available for puplic P--- ups and Private Functions