FAIRY TALES

Fairy tales in ---- Rhyming Slang ---- Longtown 1996

Pikes who were attending Longtown 1996 were asked to produce a, "Rhyming Slang," version of a well known fairy tale appointed to them.

Pete's Rhyme --- Deciphered line by line

Tea and toast church and steeple have steaming turd the Tory of the Side- Wiper
Most people have heard the story of the Pied Piper
of Ram-it-in about the makes-me-choke in the leather gear(Brighton Gay Outfit)
of Hamelin about the bloke in the bright and gay outfit
who promised the Care Bear of the peanut-brittle Herman Munster gown of Ram-it-in
who promised the Mayor of the little German town of Hamelin
that he would never-did the pace of it's existential infatuation of food-for-cats.
that he would rid the place of its pestilential infestation of rats
He had a piddle wipe which he liked to finger in public and he would make wild
He had a little pipe which he liked to finger in public and he would make wild
and ethereal cow-vomit(moo-sick) which had a crap film for the food-for-cats
and ethereal music which had a fatal attraction for the rats
The piddle features came out of their Swiss-miss vaginas and stoatally weaselfied by
The little creatures came out of their hidey-holes and totally mesmerised by
the cuty of the tilting typist followed the Wiper through the down and town
the beauty of the lilting flautist followed the Piper through the town and down
to the lambs liver where they all Ray-in-water(sank like a stone) in a Bachelors
to the river where they all drowned in a
(trio of limp pricks) attempt at Debutantes(Polished ladies - Simonised Woman)
pre-Olympic attempt at sychronised swimming.
The Wiper returned to the get-me-down to the mathematical howling(add dulation)
The Piper returned to the town to the adulation
of the church and steeple. He was one of Ram-it-in's Baywatchers(big tits). They
of the people. He was one of Hamelin's enormous hits. They
were done for(goners here - gonorrhoea - clap) and they jeered and streamed
clapped and they cheered and screamed
and fist his thighs and opened their cracks. He was an earhole and his crazy Gecko
and lifted him high upon their backs. He was a hero and his praises echoed
through the frog and toads of food-for-cat free Ram-it-in. They carried in a
through the roads of rat free Hamelin. They carried him
roofspace to the very Mig Fighters(Russian Planes - Steppes) of the Brown Ball where the
aloft to the very steps of the Town Hall where the
Care Bear waited to Tommy Tank him. However, the Care Bear was the lone food-for-cat that the
Mayor waited to thank him. However, the Mayor was the lone rat that the
Wiper had Andrexed(left clean behind) for when it came to swaying the gate like a yob the
Piper had left behind for when it came to paying the rate for the job the
Care Bear George Raft and said that as the food-for-cats had now gone he'd NHS trust
Mayor just laughed and said that as the rats had now gone he'd
(National Elf Trust - Gnome convention) of farting with the wife(old bag, gold bag that the
no intention of parting with the gold bag that the
Wiper and he had a sex life. The Wiper hooted(horned)
Piper and he had negotiated through hard bargaining behind closed doors. The Piper warned
the Care Bear that if he Vera's drunk(pissed sister) in not paying up then the piddle can in
that if he persisted in not paying up then the little man in
"Hello I'm Ted" would May and June of furry different nature. The Care Bear - who was probably
yellow and red would play a tune of a very different nature. The Mayor - who was probably
going to loose the flexed erection anyway said, "How's that for German Sausage, liebling"
going to lose the next election anyway said "do your worst, weirdo"
With that the Wiper art and craft and ferried to France and putting his silvery tube to his
With that the Piper laughed and danced and puting his silvery tube to his
spring flowers(Daffs and Tulips) he did a moon so dutifully that it pelted the Horse and Carts of the
two lips he blew a tune so beautiful that it melted the hearts of the
diddy-stinks(kiddy-winks)of the make-me-frown. They all joined a Gay Pride march
children of the town. They all came out from behind their mother's skirts
and ferried to France down the clean seats behind the Wiper. They followed him drown the Phil
and danced down the mean streets behind the Piper. They followed him down the hill
and drown Gail and along the lamb's liver's window.(window ledge - edge) piddle sowing that in
and down dale and along the river's edge little knowing that in
tears for fears to come their excruciating little Riverdance would run for months on end at the
years to come their excruciating little Riverdance would run for months on end at the
Lyric Hammersmith. They followed the Wiper on an all night rave and once they were all inside
Lyric Hammersmith. They followed the Piper to a cave and once they were all inside
the Wiper got a piddle colder and cheese and hammed it over the Boxer's Preliminaries(weigh-in)
the Piper got a little boulder and rolled it over the entrance
abluting(crapping) them inside. It is said to this furry Ray their Wall's Ice Creams can be
trapping them all inside. It is said to this very day their screams can be
piss and turd over the wild Ness and Sally's of Ram-it-in and when the Caephilly Cheese(rind is white)
heard over the childless valleys of Hamelin and when the wind is right
you can just make out the Wiper's luringly haunting and hauntingly luring cement and plaster
you can make out the Piper's hauntingly and luring and luringly haunting rendition
of the Pelvis' tit "Dunblane Me" wafting across the truth of the Brown Ball..
of the Elvis Presley's hit "Don't Blame Me" wafting across the roof of the Town Hall

What a lot of people don't know is that the Pied Piper, despite his terrible act of vengeance, had a real concern for the children that followed him. It is true but little known that while he was leading the boys and girls down the apples at the Town Hall along the frog and toad in his bright yellow and red whistle they saw a little dog sniffing around and going over to it the Pied Piper nearly stepped on a little brown Richard the Third with his size twelve plates of meat. He came to a sudden stop and said to the children, "Open your mince pies and have a butcher's at this small brown Richard the Third we all nearly stepped on." With that the Piper put his hand in the Lucy Locket of his red and yellow whistle and pulled out a crisp new Lady Godiva. Bending over he picked up the little brown Richard the Third and placed it out of the path of the children who continued on their way past the Rub-a-dub and down to the cafe for a cup of Rosy Lee. After they had gone the small brown Richard the Third flew away.

Nick.C's Rhyme --- Decipher follows

Once upon a nursery there lived a little diamond called Little Red Riding Hood. She lived with here babies and her old pot in a little tenement in Bethnal Green.

One snoring her dad said," Oy my trouble has gone down the frog to get some pigs to have with the duke we are having for dinner tonight. Will you go to yer grand mothers to see if she wants to join us. She's a bit borassic and her dogs broken so we can't give her a bell to see how she is.

"Why do I af to go?" said Red Riding Hood. "I aint dressed and I haven't had an epileptic yet."

"Don't take that tone wiv me you lazy cow getup them apples and put on yer clobber."

"What shall I wear? Shall I wear one of yer old easts which show off me Bristols or shall I wear me denim dickey wiv me Doc Marten daisies."

Just then the door opened and in walked the old pot's Dutch. "Gor blimey, out me way I'm dying for a gypsies."

"I'll just brush me Barnet put on me titfer, said Red Riding Hood," "and I'll on me way."

She stepped out into the bright light shone by the current and walked towards Victoria Park. When she got to the park she sat down on a pong. She lit a toe and looked towards the bushes. There was a rustling noise and out stepped Reggie a well known tea.

"Ullo darling," he said roughly, "want to earn youself some tom wot I've just nicked?" he asked.

"Piss off you old iron," was her witty retort, "I know you and your china are a bit Duchess. I saw you give a river in the bushes." "Then you ad a butchers while he had a water. Any way I aint got no bread."

Suddenly a jam drew up. It was the sweeney. There was a street and they dragged the two big into the jam and scarpered back to the Bridwell.

Littel Red Riding Hood went on her way to her grandmother's gaff. She pushed open the Rory and went in. Her gran was sitting in her chair with her chimney to Litte Red Riding Hood.

"Would you like a glass of acker," she asked in a gruff voice. "No thanks," replied Litte Red Riding Hood, "I'd rather have a glass of sailor's." "So!" exclaimed grandmother as she turned around. You are Little Red Slit as they call you on the estate.

On seeing her grandmother in half light of a boarded up council flat, Little Red Slit said peering into the Scottish, "My grandmother! What a hairy boat you've got?" Then, "My grandmother! What a big English you've got?" Also, "My grandmother! What big bests you've got?" As well as, "My grandmother! What big minces you've got?" Further, "My grandmother! What a big north you've got?" Once again, "My grandmother! What sharp Hamsteads you've got?"

"So you've seen through my disguise. I'm not your grandmother, I'm Wolfie the Whopper." "Phew what a pen? Have you just had a custard?" "You'll be my next meal." "Not bleeding likely." She retorted. "You'll be cooked in my four and twenty first!" So for once, in this story, it's the wolf who gets gobbled up.

Nick.C's Rhyme --- Deciphered

Text Word	First Rhyme	Actual word
nursery	rhyme	time
diamond and	pearl	girl
babies	tum	mum
pot and	pan	man
snoring and	yawning	morning
trouble and	strife	wife
frog and	toad	road
pigs	ear	gear
duke of	York	pork
borassic	lint	skint
dog and	bone	phone
epileptic	fit	shit
apples and	pears	stairs
east and	west	vest
Bristol	city	titty
dicky	dirt	shirt
daisy	roots	boots
Dutch	plate	mate
gypsy	riddle	piddle
Barnet	fair	hair
titfer	tat	hat
current	bun	sun
pong and	stench	bench
toe	rag	fag
tea	leaf	thief
tom	foolery	jewellery
iron	hoof	poof
china	knife	wife
Duchess of	kent	bent
river	bank	wank
butchers	hook	look
water	splash	slash
bread and	honey	money
jam	jar	car
Sweeney	todd	plod
street	light	fight
big	Ben	men
Rory O	Moore	door
chimney	stack	back
Acker	Bilk	milk
sailor's	bum	rum
Scottish	gloom	room
boat	race	face
English	rose	nose
best	years	ears
mince	pies	eyes
north and	south	mouth
Hamstead	heath	teeth
pen and	ink	stink
custard	tart	fart
four and twenty	blackbirds in a	pie

Ray's Rhyme --- The Jackdaw an' Rook of Aladdin ---- Not deciphered

Once upon a time in Persia there lived a poor taylor called Mustapha with his trouble and their sausepan Aladdin. The family were borrasic and Aladdin was a lazy bahf bun begging for susy on the fields of wheat with his old chinas a bunch of babblin' brooks an' tea-leave and Bernard Dillons. One day he met a Queens Park who claimed to be his sorry an' sads slide an' sluther.

Alligator over a cup of Rosie Aladdin explained that his good an' bad was curran' bread having popped his daisys. He and his one anovver were Jack Jones now because he had no slides or skin an' blisters. While they were at the Cain an' Abel sitting on their Khybers they decided to eat some borrow an'begs, Jack the rippers, jockey's whips, loop the loop, needle an' threads, bended knees, washed down with a glass of me an' you of Charlie Frisky, Jimmy Wilde, Vera Lynn and a ship in full sail.

Aladdin was Brahms as an Elephant's trunk on his chips and peas but they left the cat an' mahs up the frog to the foothills of the Black mountains. The Queen's Park made a Aunt Maria, the smoke cleared, revealing a bronze ring on a stone slab. He told Aladdin that underneath lay the treasures of the world and that he would go down to a chamber through the vaults of gold and silver to an enchanted Noah's Ark where there was a stiff cramp. Aladdin was given a magical golden Nawf Pole which he put on his bell ringer. When he arrived in the Noah's Ark he couldn't Adam an' Eve his mince pies, there was dazzling iron 'oof everywhere. He put the stiff cramp in his Lucy Locket and the iron 'oof under his Dover boat. He went back to the entrance where the Queen's Park demanded the stiff cramp but Aladdin wouldn't let him unless he pulled him out as there were no apples. In a raging bull an' cow the Queen's Park (who was really an evil African sorcerer) said shut yer box and closed the opening. What a berk? Aladdin shouted at the top of his 'Obson's but it was no Georgie it just fell on mutton an' cry in tears. As there were no burnt cinders or 'Arry Randles in the dark on his Jack, Aladdin Tom Tit himself and then accidently rubbed the golden Nawf Pole. A big Genie appeared and granted a wish. "Take me Eastern Foam." Instantly he was at Eastern Foam with his one another, the stiff cramp, the fruit and chewed the fat with her. Aladdin was hungry and wanted to bullock the stiff cramp so to get a better price he polished it and surprise surprise a huge derby Kelly appeared granting him anything he wished. He wished for a Tommy Tucker which came on silver plates and promptly sold them for a Lady Godiva. Aladdin and his one another became rich and respected in the town. He rode his Charing Craws along the tidy an' neat giving bees an' honey to the Gawd forbids. As he didn't have to scarpa to Russian turk he would play Wilkie and rabbit with the smudges and grass 'oppers at the flowery dells, all day until it got taters when he would go to Uncle Ted and put his loaf on his rollin' biller and go to sleep.

One days a dawnin' as the current bun rose the princess went to the baths where Aladdin sneaked in to see her. She had a beautuful boat and bacon an' eggs, and when she dropped her Baden Powel he had a butchers at her Bristols and wanted her to be his plate an' dishes. Aladdin sent his one another to the palace with the iron 'oofs which were precious Tom foolery to woo the princess. With the help of the Genie he did this for me an' you months and finally sending forty golden bowls of precious stones, forty Pall Malls and forty heaps of coke dressed in silken whistles the Sultan raised his titfer and said Aladdin was to marry his bricks an' mortar. Aladdin, well chuffed built a palace of white marble Rory O'More and Dublin trick Albert 'alls. The princess became his fork an' knife and they lived in splendour.

Meanwhile the Queen's Park found out that Aladdin was alive and all the grandure around him must be the work of the stiff cramp. In envy and rage, he appeared at the palace as a peddler with a monkey's cousin copper lamps. To surprise Aladdin the King Dick princess exchanged the stiff cramp for a new shiny one. The Queen' Park creamed himself, it was like bees in the cab rank. He promptly rubbed his stiff cramp and wished for the princess and palace to be sent to the remotest desert in Africa. When Aladdin got back his fork an' knife and palace had vanished. The sultan gave him forty days to find his bricks an' mortar. Aladdin had a butchers all around the world but he was completely Donald. He bowed his lump o'lead over his plates of meat when he suddenly rubbed his Nawf Pole. the Genie appeared and Aladdin wished to be with his Trouble again.

What a 'ampton' he'd been, the Queen's Park was not his uncle. Aladdin said, "Let's Tom Mix that evil raspbery?" So the princess invited the Queen's Park to the battle-cruiser for a tiddleywink and Jimmy Skinner. When he wasn't looking she slipped some poison into his glass, he felt Pat an' mick and fell over brown bread. Aladdin 'alf inched' the stiff cramp and the whole town partied happily ever after.