HEALTH AND SAFETY ASSESSMENTS

Assassination of Neil ---- By Ray ---- Wychbold 2015

HEALTH AND SAFETY ASSESSMENT -- RISK ANALYSIS

SUBJECT:--- NEIL

This Risk Analysis follows the six guiding principles of the Risk Analysis process and, as such, will examine not only the subject’s mental and physical abilities but also reveal any potential flaws in his character.

The six guiding principles or areas of research are:

1. Nous or Common Sense
2. Educational background
3. Learning ability
4. Leadership skills
5. Integrity
6. Equipment handling

These six principles are more commonly known by the acronym formed from their initials:-
N - E - L - L - I - E or Nellie.

1. Nous or Common Sense:
   The subject in general shows a great deal of common sense but has a fatal flaw in that his common sense deserts him at a critical stage causing him to make rash decisions. An example of his extreme common sense might be the liaison he has formed with the lovely Sam which promises a very happy long term future for them both. His partnership wrecking rashness comes when, as soon as her back is turned, he opens her house to a variety of no-good dossers whom he terms Fellow Pikes.


2. Educational Background:
   To research this area I paid a visit to his old school at Shenfield where I spoke to a number of members of staff - some of whom knew him, some of whom had heard of him and many more who actually new him but denied all knowledge of it. Three ran and hid, two collapsed, one dissolved into hysterical laughter and another asked, “Where’s the photocopier I ordered from him?” On a more positive note, and one which demonstrates his physical abilities, I learned from the School Caretaker that a record he set in 1981 has still not been broken. The caretaker proudly showed me the line drawn high up on the wall of the boys’ toilet and the blue plaque alongside it – Neil Martin pissed here.


3. Learning Ability:
   As distinct from his formal education this area looks at the subject’s ability to learn from his mistakes. This is simply dealt with – ask any group of people how many of them have ever been involved in a car accident and many will say they had. Ask the same group whether they had become better drivers as a result and most will say that they had. Ask Neil the same question – or simply ask how many cars he has been driving have been in collisions, or been written off, or ended up in ditches. Augment this question with, “Have any of your collisions been with off-duty police officers?” and you will get some idea of his mental capacity when it comes to learning from mistakes.


4. Leadership skills:
   In a recent exchange of e-mails the subject confided in me that, in all likelihood, he would, as the years go by, come to resemble his father. This, in itself, should be warning enough. The subject tends to assume that where he leads others will follow. However, this is only ever the case when the followers have no choice as they happen to be dangling at the other of the rope tied round Neil’s waist. Apart from his father’s influence he has also inherited unfortunate traits from his mother’s brother. On a fell-walking holiday in his childhood he was repeatedly told that the summit was just over the next brow or the campsite was just around the next bend. Beware if he uses similar phrases this weekend. Another phrase to alert you to risk, bearing in mind his numerous car crashes is, “It’ll be Ok. I’ve done it hundreds of times.”
   Part and parcel with leadership is care and consideration for those one leads. This must begin with an awareness of one’s own well-being. On initial examination it would appear the subject takes good care of himself. However, his diet must be called into question. He is on record as refusing to eat his faggot. Were this Risk Analysis being carried out in the USA refusing to eat a faggot might be laudable but in Britain it shows a lack of regard for good diet. Shortly after this episode he used another phrase which we need to be wary of. “I’ll meet you at the entrance” actually means as you are coming out not going in. One positive in all this is his ability to display a warning of any impending “faggot fall-out” in that his complexion turns green.


5. Integrity:
   Whether we believe the subject has integrity or not is, for the most part, a subjective reaction. However, the acid test to apply is to ask yourself the question “Would I buy a used photocopier from this man?” If the answer is ‘yes’ then ask, “Am I prepared to tie into a long term contract for paper and toner at vastly inflated prices?”


6. Equipment Handling:
   This does not refer to equipment of a personal and private nature – we are aware of how he handled his equipment into a very fetching pink wet suit at Nottingham. On a more practical note - one of the duties of a leader at a Pikehand Weekend is to provide a list of essential and desirable equipment. Can we trust a leader who, when he is being led, fails to bring the essential items on the list? We had early warning of this in April 1977 when, as a ten year old, he was put in charge of his first ever pewter tankard to celebrate the Queen’s Silver Jubilee. To a Pikehand a Pewter Tankard is like life itself – not easily parted with. We may still have the same Queen as in 1977 but the subject only had the tankard for an hour having lost it somewhere on the Village Green. Fast forward a few years when the Pikehands ventured to France and were told to bring Passports. Did Neil? No. It is telling that the authorities were all too willing to let him out of the country but were very reticent about letting him back in.

To sum up: His flaws? You’re probably sleeping on them. His physical abilities? Like his rock-climbing hobby he’s over peak and it’s downhill all the way. His mental capacity? I can honestly say he is the most mental person I have ever encountered.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Assassination of Jim ---- By Nick.C ---- Wychbold 2015

CLIENT:----- ORGANISERS OF PIKEHANDS 2015

DELEGATE:--- JIM

Let me first say that I wholeheartedly support our Organisers attitudes about Pikes being fit for the Weekend. This report has been drawn up under the W.H.O. guide lines for the Care for the Mature

It has fallen to me to carry out an assessment on Jim. I have been fortunate enough to have gained access to Jim’s medical records and family medical history ………… it cost me an arm and a leg.

I have also carried out a thorough examination on Jim before this presentation. And by the way Jim you ought to do something about that cough. I had to test you 8 times.

He has also provided a specimen which the Organisers can have analysed later at the Atomic Research Establishment at Aldermaston

I can only say fellow Pikes, that what I have discovered fills me with concern.

Jim is from a family that contains certain inherited characteristics. This goes back as far as the Plague and so far, medical science has not found a way to prevent these characteristics being passed on from generation to generation.

We all know that the core family are highly intelligent people; I’d go so far as to say gifted. And I hope that I will get a gift for my researches.

Jim is well endowed ……………………… with an analytical brain …………… and a sharpened appreciation of the arts. He showed me some of his art studies. His mental state is not in doubt.

I am however very concerned about the physical characteristics he has!

Vision and hearing are acceptable for a man of his age but the real problem area is in his balance. It’s the commonly known as Wobbly Balance Syndrome.

We only have to look at Jack and Bill, god bless them, to see how these characteristics are passed on through the family chain. It is due to an excess of too much of certain liquids commonly found in the diet of the working man.

I am able to offer Jim a full recovery package but it will come at a cost as professional advice is not cheap. There is no other medical provider that can offer this service.

I propose to recommend that:

1. A course of medication be arranged and I attach a prescription for this purpose.


2. The services of a disciplined and fully qualified Physiotherapist is engaged. This will ensure that his senses and reactions are fine-tuned. An appointment card is attached.


3. Jim’s daily care be entrusted to two home helps to ensure he maximises his energy levels and strength. Their business card is attached.


4. Jim is in need of regular physical exercise and I have engaged the services of a famed and internationally respected Personal Trainer. His details are attached and the sooner Jim works out a fitness regime with him the better.

Attention should also be paid to Jim’s diet. It’s no good having a fitness regime if after a good work out he slobs out and pigs on unhealthy snacks.

To this end I have arranged for a dietician to assess Jim’s diet and what he needs to chew on for a healthier life. Details are attached and an appointment should be made once the fitness plan has started to bite.

If Jim sticks to this treatment I can save him and ensure that he has an enjoyable week end.

Jim you have to embrace change
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Assassination of Gra ---- By Bryan ---- Wychbold 2015

Liberally heckled with bold come backs from Bryan

HEALTH AND SAFETY ASSESSMENT OF GRAHAM

The definition of Health and Safety is as follows:-,"Regulations and procedures intended to prevent accidents or injury in workplaces or public environments."

When taking into account the words of the definition, which were painstakingly arrived at after months and months of meetings and discussions in various parts of the world, I find that in essence; and let me tell you I do not make this judgement lightly, that he would not participate in any of the activities our organisers have planned.

In view of the fact that assessment is a, "real time," document I do not intend to go back too far in time but would draw your attention to the following two recent examples.

Who would forget the, "cargo net," at Go Ape? I remember well the strains of, "Rescue me!!" being sung by all assembled as he held on for dear life imitating some poor insect which had become entangled in a spider's web. I would remind you that not only Pikes joined in the rendition, even the warden assigned to the onerous duty of, "Bob Watch," joined in.

I would also ask you to cast your mind back to that glorious day on Carsington Waters. All Pikes managed to stay on their respective well made rafts which had been inspected and approved by qualifies instructors except for one. That one being my beloved brother who slowly slipped into the murky depths as the drum he was sitting on gave up the ghost and decided to eject its passenger.

These examples I fear illustrate only too well that depite the best endeavours of the various organisations we have used over the years he is an exception and thus proves the rule.

In closing my assessment I beg the organisers to consider carefully this Pikes suitability for the tasks ahead as you and you alone bear full corporate responsibility for any mishap occuring on your watch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Assassination of Bryan ---- By Gra ---- Wychbold 2015

Tommy Cooper fashion with Pikes divided into Plus and Minus teams

ASSESSMENT OF BRYAN (My Brother)

Plus Points	Minus Points
Loves the outdoors, fishing, boating, walking and enjoys being in the fresh air	Early hair loss (due to far too much masturbation)
Played sports and has been a gym member	Prone to bad back making physical abilities a challenge
Founder member of the Pikehands and loves the involvement	Has a tendancy to be always right (Ha! Ha!)
Excellent problem solving skills ie. his current role with H.M.R.C.	Can be a bit left wing
Well educated with good results in exams and tests	Has not yet hooked a Tuna
Enjoys good food and wine and good malt whisky	Can be uncontactable at times
Loves a laugh	Not been nominated as slimmer of the year

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Assassination of Bob ---- By Nick.T ---- Wychbold 2015

All Pikes responded to --- Actions and --- Who

INDIVIDUAL HEALTH AND SAFETY ASSESSMENT

Identify Risk	Nature of Risk	Likelyhood	Who Affected	Risk Management	Warning Signs	Actions	Who
Forgetfulness	Short term memory loss	High	Anyone within ear shot	Try to ensure the topics of conversation relate to recent events rather than dwelling on events from a previous century	Excessive reminiscing over previous Pikes weekends followed by the subject calling his daughter's husband "Paul"	BOB WATCH	All
Intoxication	The subject, when exposed to alcoholic beverages, is likely to consume copious amounts	High	Anyone within 30m radius	Keep subject away from intoxicating liquor where ever possible. Hide drinking vessels. Divert attention by assigning tasks away from the risk area	Subject seen holding a drinking vessel. Increase in vocal volume and gesticulating.	BOB WATCH	All
Inappropriate public comments	Recounting of inappropriate stories and anecdotes in public spaces. Most likely in spaces with low background noise such as a restaurant.	High	Anyone within earshot	Risk is directly proportional to the amout of intoxicating liquor consumed.	Subject seen holding a drinking vessel. Increase in vocal volume and gesticulation. Conversation generally gravitating towards potentially sensitive topics.	BOB WATCH	All
Over eagreness on activities	Exposure to potentially hazardous activities designed for much younger people	High	Next of kin	Do not allow the subject to stand at the front of the queue for any activity.	Subject showing too much enthusiasm for any activity.	BOB WATCH	All
Bodily functions	Excessive production of methane	High	Anyone witin 10m radius	Little can be done to manage the risk. The threat of forcible insertion of a cork may focus the subject's mind on the discrete expulsion of the gas.	Enthusiastic consumption of food and drink followed by a loud noise. This is usually followed by a comment from the subject	Walk swiftly away from the affected area	All
Food preparation	Over production of food required for the number of people attending a meal.	High	All weekend attendees	Team members to take control of the subject and not allow him to take any decisions on what and how much to cook for any meal.	Subject seen with knife and chopping board prior to a scheduled meal time.	BOB WATCH	All
Financial	Causing the organisers to fail to meet their financial targets for the weekend	High	All contributing Pikehands	Do not let the subject view the wine list at a restaurant	Subject trying to attract the attention of the wine waiter	BOB WATCH	All
Losing possessions	Returning home with less possessions than the subject took to the weekend	High	Subject's (long suffering) wife having to co-ordinate return of missing possessions	All possessions should be clearly marked with the subjects name. Full inventory to be provided to the subject's driver by subjects wife	None. You must know that it is going to happen	BOB WATCH	NM/NT

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Assassination of Tim ---- By Rich ---- Wychbold 2015

HEALTH AND SAFETY/RISK ASSESSMENT

ABOUT THE MAN

1. Sports
   darts, snooker, pool, swimming, running though he loll-eps like an Ostrich! He can play a mean game of Maro carts but don't tell anyone Joanna can whoop his ass!


2. Foibles
   He has a serious disability when it comes to recycling!
   Green vegetables cause nausea and vomiting!
   Stinky cheese is not even allowed in the house!
   Putting clothes away he can only make piles!
   Spiders make him scream like a little girl!
   Oh and heights we discovered at the top of Gouldis Cathedral in Barcelona! Resulted in him having to crawl on his hands and knees over the walk way!


3. Greyhairolitous!
   The rapid change in hair colour due to over exposure to wife and children. Treatment includes regular weekends fishing to slow the development. 'Just for men' but side affects can include, having the piss taken out of you for life (ask Alan he has tried this approach) and removal of wife and kids permanently, find hot blond and buy motorbike!


4. Addictions!
   The kids lunch box treats! He can wipe them out in under 24 hours! Then the kids are stuck with carrot sticks instead of a chocolate bar....I think he thinks he is keeping them healthy.
   Chocolate!! His chocolate, my chocolate, the kids chocolate. He ate most of the kids Easter eggs again this year even though I brought him 4 of his own! Joanna now has a secret stash in her room, to keep him off of them but he has found it at 11 at night!


5. He hit his best mate over the head with an axe!
   He was forked in the arm by a mate on a night out!


6. He has build a tent in his sleep! A real one!
   He calls eggs eggilly weggilly woos! And the dog sweetheart and his nickname for me is his little pumpernickel!!!!
   For a middle class man living in middle England, playing mid-wicket and approaching middle age, Tim appears to be in a very good state of health. What makes this more remarkable is the fact that he is able to retain some semblance of wellbeing in his life despite living with and being responsible for two small children.

However, despite the overall rosy picture, there are particular areas of concern that can only be properly considered in the context of a full health and safety assessment.

1. Physical Activity
   Tim enjoys a range of sports including darts, snooker, pool and cricket. He also seems to be one of the rare cases of someone who can actually sit on a nettle and condom-infested riverbank, watching the end of a long stick for hours on end, waiting for a desperate fish to have a go at whatever happens to be dangling from it. This display of patience and, some would say, mental instability, may explain his aptitude for fatherhood.
   Tim, like almost every other British man when asked in surveys what physical activity they like doing, enjoys running. I say ‘enjoy’ – he tolerates it. According to those in the know, it’s more of a lollop – however, as there’s no ‘lolloping’ category in the assessment form, ‘running’ it is.
   As you’ll see from the accompanying diagram, Tim’s ability to carry out these physical activities can be explained by certain unique physical characteristics. In particular:-
   



2. • (a) ‘Standby’ button located on the back of the neck for use during long spells of fishing (several choices of screensaver are available whilst standby is deployed);
   
   
   • (b) Extendable pole rod for fishing emergencies;
   
   
   • (c) 360 degree rotating wrists for ease of bowling googlies (can also come in useful when playing cricket);
   
   
   • (d) Applying a small amount of pressure to Tim’s throat has the effect of emitting a loud honk which can be used effectively to clear pavements of pedestrians whilst running.



THE FOLLOWING HEADINGS WERE NOT SCRIPTED

3. Mental Health


4. Diet


5. Phobias

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Assassination of Nick.T ---- By Bob ---- Wychbold 2015

ASSESSMENT

Terms of Reference
To assess the Health and Safety credentials of, a potential man, to determine if he is suitable to enter into the rigours of the programme our organisers have devised.

Personal Assessment
This potential man was and initiate, is sometimes inebriate, not a potentate and is of the British state. He is very moderate, early never late, has hair upon his pate and accepting of his fate. Occasionally desperate, often prostrate, everybody's mate and technically up to date. No longer is he licentiate but fully paid associate, a worthy candidate, Pikehand Nicolas Tate.

Credentials
Not for him corporate membership like the rest of us. Believing in sound foundations he proactively sought to further Pikehand honour. He desired to be indispensable to his team. Selflessly he sacrificed leisure for work. He under took study in all things dear to organisers. He graduated top in their diploma course entitled: Showing Heroic Independent Talent. He has borne much because of it since.
Undaunted by the shear volume organisers piled upon him he undertook advanced study to enhance his appeal to Pikehands. Admittedly he struggled under the organisers demands but achieved a first in their course for: Comprehensive Reliable Admiration Principles. This certificate enslaved him even more to organiser demands. Daily they heaped more on him.

It says much for Nick's stoicism that he endeavoured even harder. He coveted the fully qualified membership of our present organisers. He wanted to become one of their peers. After all, their names are suffixed with designated qualification letters so why not Nick? He could share in their proud display and delgate rather than do it himself. So he undertook the dedicated journey toward the qualification that would realise his goal. This, the greatest prise that organiser's could award, comes with indentures of proof. All of his previous achievements had lead to this moment. With trepidation, after years of heart ache, a few weeks ago he sat the final examinations for membership of the: Advanced Special Safe Health Organiser Lassitude Establishment.

Recommendations
It is indeed unfortunate that he supports Chelsea!! (spit...) However, even under such a handicap, he surpassed his own expectations and is today more than just a potential man. Not withstanding Chelsea, I commend Nick for the events ahead this weekend. So, amid all his current peers here present, I invite Neil and Jeff, both of whom qualified years ago, to present Nick with this accolade and make him proud to join their esteemed ranks.

JEFF PRESENTED NICK WITH AN ENVELOPE WHICH HE OPENED AND FOUND THIS